Most of our 2012 holiday letters have reached their addressees by now (we send fashionably late so as not to be muffled by the dull roar of lesser holiday letters), and so I now share the news of our year to you, dear reader. In verse, no less. Enjoy!
Happy Holidays to you and yours,
Be you friends, family, or Babylonian whores.
Here’s an update on the Leonard’s 2012,
Our victories and challenges, so in let us delve–
Becky has begun a business anew,
Her days are now teeming with afterbirth goo.
She’s also a pro on nursing the breast–
A clinical term that’s not as fun as the rest.
There are boobs, titties, fog horns, and honkers,
Bazooms, hogs, yazoos, and knockers.
She’s dropped her knowledge on Kardashian reality,
Educating the masses’ nipple mentality.
Our 4-yr-old Charlee’s dominating preschool.
While most other four-year-old punks are actin’ a fool.
ABCs? Fingerpainting? She takes names, kicks ass,
A hardcore curly-q’d prekinder lass.
Duck Duck Goose? She never gets caught.
Just sends those other little burnouts straight to the mush pot.
And gymnastics class? She’s the queen of the gym,
Turning handsprings, busting somersaults, tearing down kids limb-by-limb.
And she does it all in princess fashion,
Keepin it real ’cause that’s her passion.
And Sammers Cash is our little shit bird.
Just two-and-a-half and he’s tamed the turd.
He’s one part cowboy, one part astronaut.
Hours watching Toy Story? A whole damn lot.
Still skinny as a stick, a third-world aesthetic.
But there ain’t no tape worm, it’s just genetic.
He’s got the gift of gab, a word-smithin’ smoothtalker.
He’s a daredevil, a lunatic, a fate-testin’ wire walker.
He’s 100% boy, sturdy as redwood
But he’ll dress in drag too, secure in his manhood.
Girdie the wonderpuggle — still alive, still kickin’–
Spends her days scooting ‘cross the floor, barkin’, and lickin’.
She enjoys walks at the park and meeting new mutts,
Sizing them up and sniffing their butts.
She also eats crayons–red, yellow, blue–
And then squats on the grass and drops rainbow-colored pooh.
If she barks one more time while I’m trying to work.
I’m gonna lose my friggin’ mind, go psycho, berzerk!
One more howl or bark or even a whine,
I’m registering for taxidermy courses online.
As for me, I’m still teaching, still singing the Hollywood blues,
Cranking out pages, paying my dues.
I can’t complain all that much, what with my kids and my wife.
Between them and my giant testicles, I’ve got a great life.
And the penultimate stanza for my Aunt Norma the porn queen,
Her 2012 sales were the best that she’s seen.
So visit her site — normasloveshack.com —
And download some porn for your aunt, uncle, or mom.
That about does it for this Leonard dynasty letter.
May your holiday be great, the New Year even better.
Until next year, I’ll leave you with my father-in-law’s sound advice–
Keep life easy, make some money, and have a good sex life.