I take issue with the term “crack baby” as it is one of the few nomenclatures that offends me. There’s a certain arrogance to it, a ridiculous presumption that certain babies are somehow crazier than others. This is patently untrue. Spend a significant amount of time with any baby, and you’ll be struck stupid by the exclamations, the questions, the utterances that you never dreamed would escape your lips in the entirety of your life.
To wit: recently we were running errands. The kids were in the back of the car — Sam behind me and Charlee behind Becky. I pulled into a parking lot, cut the ignition, and when I shifted slightly to unbuckle my belt, I glanced at my daughter, and the following words just spilled out of my mouth: “Jesus, what the hell happened to your panties?!”
I can picture the amused albeit confused looks on your faces, dear readers, so allow me to expound. Charlee had hiked up her dress, slipped off her panties so that they were hanging around her ankles, and was fanning her vagina with both hands. She thought it was a joke or a prank of some kind because she began howling at the instant I inquired further as to her motivations. Her only response was “Bahahahahahahaha… I dunno… bahahahahahaha…” Certainly there is pleasure to be had in airing out the nether regions, but I would have thought even a toddler would have the good sense not to do so in a moving vehicle. Not so. Like all babies, mine are crack babies.
In our day-to-day crack-baby lifestyles, I find myself saying more and more things I never thought I’d say. Here’s a list of the greatest hits:
1. Your brothers jewels aren’t like real jewels. It’s kind of a metaphor… A metaphor is a comparison… A comparison shows how two things are similar. Understand? … Okay, whatever, your brother has jewels just like on Pirates of the Caribbean… No, you can’t use them to buy a Dora DVD.
2. Don’t stick legos in the dog’s butt.
3. Yes, I know it feels good, but it’s not something you should generally do in public — unless your name is Peewee Herman (or more recently that guy who directed the Kony documentary).
4. I know the dog’s wet, but trust me, she wouldn’t like it if we put her in the dryer.
5. If you stay in your bed and don’t come out, I swear to god, tomorrow I’ll write you a check for a thousand dollars.
6. No, daddy does not have a vagina.
7. Is that brown Play-doh or…? Oh, seriously. Becky, your turn!
8. No, Desitin is not like makeup. Why do you ask?
10. Yes, daddy’s penis is bigger than that puppy’s penis.
11. Yes, bigger than that puppy’s, too.
12. Please stop making out with the dog, Charlee.
13. Please stop forcing Sam to make out with the dog, Charlee.
14. Yes, I can smell your fart. No, you cannot have anymore broccoli.
15. If you eat all your dinner, then, yes, I suppose we can paint the dog. But only with water colors. Safety first.
16. No, I do not think Santa Claus will bring you a Tinkerbell doll if you hit your brother with the vacuum. No, not even if it’s an accident.
17. Be reasonable. Please. Please, be reasonable. Please!… You’re kidding! How do you not know what reasonable means yet?
18. The toilet is not a Barbie jacuzzi.
19. It’s your brother’s turn to wear the princess dress and heels. *Moments later. I agree. He looks beautiful.
20. Rape it?! Rape what!? What are you talking about it? Who did what to you? *She gestures to the tab on her pull-up diaper. Oh… rip it. *I take a shot of vodka. Jesus Christ.
ATTENTION: Tell me about a time you said something you never thought you’d say. Doesn’t have to be about kids either. This post could easily have been about marriage (in fact, I’m making a note of that now for a future post — my wife is gonna be so happy), work, friends, etc. Leave it in the comments section. And click this link to subscribe while you’re at it. And/or share this madness on Facebook. There’s a link right below this post. If you don’t do it, I’ll sick my crack babies on you, and soon you’ll be the one disseminating between brown Play-doh and… not brown Play-doh.